so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
