There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
