piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
