How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
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