we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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