Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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