there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
