i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
