When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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