the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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