I hate your face
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
