I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
