On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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