If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
