Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
