quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
