Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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