If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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