ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
