You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He felt like a one man threesome
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
