he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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