Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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