youre lurking in front of me
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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