me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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