i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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