You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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