i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
