Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I need moral support for this bender
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
