a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
