I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
