Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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