Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
