what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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