Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
