Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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