I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
