god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
