By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
