I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
