God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Found your dick twin last night
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
