I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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