Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
