Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
