I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
