Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
