Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
