Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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