i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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