girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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