Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
