at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
